Coccium Quips Volume 1
Hope you’re well Brethren, and by the way you may be pleased to know that I’ve been instructed that the ‘C19’ word is out of bounds in these musings.
Why the article title? Well I have a very strong attachment to Coccium, but you will have to Google it to find why that may be the case. A pint of the very best beer to the first person to spot the connection (by the way, my editor has asked whether we can afford this remarkable prize, well, I can’t but I know he definitely can!).
Just to explain, I’ve been called on to post some articles on the AMD Website, and I thought that it may be fun to invite you to divest yourself of any dark doings by any of our Brethren which may help to put a smile back on our faces. It doesn’t matter how senior the Brother is, if you want to spill the beans and get that heavy weight off your chest, remember that you and I will remain anonymous, so there’ll be no repercussions and your promotion prospects will remain intact……….I think……..In any case nobody will read this rubbish so who cares?
As a starter for ten, there is a little story currently doing the rounds which concerns a very senior Allied Brother (some say a RW, but I couldn’t possibly comment) who is renowned for, let’s say his thrifty approach to monetary matters (I choose my words carefully as I don’t want any libel action). The story, from a very good source, is that at Christmas time 2019, he purchased a road kill turkey with a couple of broken legs and bruised ribs that had somehow got into Morrisons’ supply chain. This poor bird which had an unfortunate start to life (ahhhh - put that handkerchief away this instant - no room for sentiment here!) ended up in his trolley for the knock down price of 6 groats. The said turkey being put into his deep freeze and subsequently devoured this Easter.
“Proof of the pudding is in the (Easter) dinner?”
Now, what you may not know is that before the last vestiges of that turkey had been fed to the cat on Easter Sunday, it is alleged that the same Brother, no name no pack drill, repeated the trick, and managed to bag another end of Easter season bargain turkey from the same supplier. Not road kill this time, but it came with a crutch as it had one leg missing (its name was Long John Silver – I couldn’t resist), and this unfortunate bird is now in the same deep freeze waiting to meet its nemesis on Christmas day 2020. Can anyone match Brother X’s financial skill and ingenuity? Come on, get it off your (freezer) chest, you know it makes sense.
As an aside, being a pensioner and living in the darkest and most deprived part of the Parish here at Coccium Towers, I can’t afford to eat turkey (I’ve told you to put thank Hankie away), even when it falls of the back of a lorry. Never mind, in this Parish the main delicacy is a concoction of golden pastry filled with a gastronomic delight of flavoursome Pork, or meat and potato or steak and kidney etc. In fact, all the recent panic buying in my township wasn’t about toilet rolls and hand sanitizer! A rumour emerged that Greggs, Galloways and other pie makers of distinction were going to shut up shop for the duration. Before you could say Jack Robinson, the pies on supermarket shelves were plundered, not a crumb of pastry left anywhere. Even after 3 weeks there’s still a restriction being applied at the checkout, and you can only buy 3 pies at a time unless you have a chitty allowing you to purchase extra for disadvantaged persons (no, I don’t mean you William!). To top it off, the drive through pie shop (“We Bake U Take”) has also closed.
It’s also hard to believe that this pie-panic (as distinct from titanic), has substantially increased the danger of theft from Coccium baker’s vans to such an extent that Police readiness has been escalated to code red. Signs are being displayed on the back of these vehicles to the effect that “All pies left in this van are microchipped and traceable,” and also “Police follow this van.” (in case of pie-jacking). Difficult times indeed.
“William’s Finest”
The good thing though is that this haute cuisine has been taken to new heights in Coccium, and every flavour and concoction you can think of is now catered for (in normal times), eat your heart out China Town. In addition to the usual meat & Potato or steak pies or babies yeds (steak puddings for the non Cocciumids), you can choose from a veritable goldmine of a menu including – curried tripe and onions pie, vege or vegen pies (satisfies the political correctness lobby), pie on a barm, chip pie, fish and chip pie, compot of pigs feet and chives pie, all day breakfast pie and even a full Christmas dinner pie (I tell you no lie). Truly a gastronomic paradise, with breakfast, dinner and supper well catered for, in fact I’m getting withdrawal symptoms as I type.
Goodness, talking of pies, my memory is drifting back to my childhood, life was difficult (putting it mildly), but mam and dad fed us well and home-made sweet and savoury pies were a speciality, they knew the importance of crisp golden crust to our physical and mental well-being!  
Oh dear, mentioning my dad has also brought back vivid images of a trauma I suffered as a child, all caused by his false teeth. In current times they would have given me my own social worker and psychotherapist to help me cope! Unfortunately, that story will have to wait for another day as my text quota for this article (Editor pays me by the word) has been reached. I’ll catch up with you next time and try to explain the anguish caused by these dreaded gnashers, you will definitely need your hankies, - ‘till then keep smiling, with or without your teeth……
“I’m coming to get you”
Article Courtesy of the Coccium (Good) Knight.